If you haven't figured it out by now, John R. Lardicious died from eating a railroad spike, which should be obvious if you translated the first block of text into German and then threw your computer in the trash.
Aside from that, a new brand of Splenda has been released, labeled "Acme Nutritional Protein Drink" but that is a lie, because that's actually not Splenda, I was just reading something in the fridge and wanted to write about it because when I drank it I remembered something about a case of pool pockets and decided to go to sleep.
A picture of Uncle Jim before his surgery.
You may ask what the point of this topic is, and the answer... I was typing, and then I heard about this incident that happened a few years ago.
Something about a man trapped inside a device called "Pants".
These "pants" have been sending me hateful letters over the internet, and have been attempting to scam me by sending large sexually suggestive pictures of different types of meat, mostly from the backsides of cows and things that don't exist, like lawyers.
But films have been advocating the use of "pants" and it disturbs me to see a man wearing a pair on his head while his underwear performs complex heart surgery upon a dead body.
New issues of "Spider-Man" have been released with crude drawings of trolls screaming about "social propaganda" and "Who took all the comic books in the last aisle?"
It has been reported that someone reported his own story, which lead people to believe that they were all famous, and a massive catalyst sent everyone flying into space. Unfortunately, re-runs of "Battlestar Galactica" were canceled, killing thousands of babies everywhere and emitting a huge campaign entitled "No One Gives A Flying *meep*".
In response to this campaign, governor of Europe decided to draw graffiti on the walls of his own home while using the bathroom, and accidentally detonated a nuclear bomb by repeatedly smashing it with a hammer and various firearms screaming "WHAT IS IT!?"
News later indicated that it wasn't actually a nuclear bomb and just a massive continent sized picture of a explosion erected in front of the governor's home, explaining why the explosion ceased to exist after 30 years when people actually started to care.
Due to the declining sales of condoms, California has banned the use of dead people used as distractions during firefights.
Now I would like everyone to discuss these events, because they are obviously extremely important.