Posted 25 November 2013 - 02:51 AM
SHERLOCK: John, what do you see?
JOHN: I see the stars and the moon.
SHERLOCK: What else do you see?
JOHN: I see the flowers blowing in the night breeze, and the stream glistening from the light of the moon.
SHERLOCK: And what can you deduce from all this, John?
JOHN: *looks around, puzzled* Um...
SHERLOCK: Somebody has stolen our bloody tent!
Posted 26 November 2013 - 07:02 AM
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hangout with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hangout with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
- The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
- The maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Posted 26 November 2013 - 02:44 PM
Sherlock and Elementary are both excellent programmes. Love them both. I think Sherlock gets the edge though. LOVE Benedict as Sherlock.
Sherlock's episode The Reichenback Fall in Season 2 is really sad and emotional. Reminds me a lot of Nick - he sacrifices himself to save his friends. *cries*
Posted 26 November 2013 - 09:48 PM
In Praise of Older Women
- An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
- An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
- An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.
- The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
- An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
- Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
- An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
- Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
- An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...
- Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
- An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.
- Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
- Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out.
- An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
- Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
- Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a striptease.
- Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
- An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
- Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
- Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
- An older woman has lots of girlfriends ... and most of them will want to screw you too.
- An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
- An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
Posted 27 November 2013 - 09:02 AM
During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.” “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re done.” A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”
Posted 27 November 2013 - 07:18 PM
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."
Posted 24 December 2013 - 08:14 AM
Q. What's the difference between medium and rare?
A. 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.
Q. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A. We better get some support or people will think we're nuts.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...