Welcome to the Reloaded Comedy Club
Come make a fool of yourself!
Well, this topic is pretty simple. Sit down, have a beer and some peanuts, and listen to some awful jokes. Or stand up and take the microphone. Post as many jokes as you like. Knock-Knock jokes are allowed.
So, go ahead, start posting.
0
Reloaded Comedy Club
Started by Nick, Jul 18 2009 11:39 PM
9 replies to this topic
#1
Posted 18 July 2009 - 11:39 PM
#2
Posted 18 July 2009 - 11:43 PM
*Takes the mic* Ahem... Is this thing on...?
Okay, um... A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "I have caught you red handed. Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Nah, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
Okay, um... A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "I have caught you red handed. Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Nah, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
#3
Posted 18 July 2009 - 11:47 PM
Alright, this is funny.
Fun things to do in Walmart:
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
10. Play with the automatic doors.
11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"
13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
14. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
18. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
19. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
20. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
21. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
22. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
26. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
27. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
28. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
29. Take bets on the battle described above.
30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
31. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
32. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
33. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
34. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
35. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
36. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
37. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
38. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
39. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation i.e:
"How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions."
40. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
41. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
42. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
43. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."
44. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
46. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
47. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
48. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
49. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."
50. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
51.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
52.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
53.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
54. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
55. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
56. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
Fun things to do in Walmart:
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
10. Play with the automatic doors.
11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"
13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
14. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
18. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
19. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
20. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
21. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
22. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
26. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
27. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
28. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
29. Take bets on the battle described above.
30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
31. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
32. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
33. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
34. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
35. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
36. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
37. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
38. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
39. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation i.e:
"How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions."
40. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
41. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
42. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
43. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."
44. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
46. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
47. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
48. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
49. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."
50. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
51.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
52.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
53.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
54. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
55. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
56. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
#4
Posted 18 July 2009 - 11:55 PM
ANKENY, Iowa (AP) - Several classrooms at Des Moines Area Community College were evacuated after college officials became nervous about
a suspicious package.
College officials called police and postal inspectors after the box was
delivered Thursday. What they found inside wasn't a bomb - it was a box containing 500 condoms.
The package was sent to a teacher of a human sexuality class, and was sent by a person who had been a previous speaker at the class, said Rob Denson, the college's
president.
a suspicious package.
College officials called police and postal inspectors after the box was
delivered Thursday. What they found inside wasn't a bomb - it was a box containing 500 condoms.
The package was sent to a teacher of a human sexuality class, and was sent by a person who had been a previous speaker at the class, said Rob Denson, the college's
president.
#5
Posted 19 July 2009 - 12:19 AM
Feel free to remove it if you read anything other than a joke into this
A Mexican came to the US and was so happy about it he decided to give the first guy he met a huge "thank you!".
He walks up to this one guy and says "thank you, for letting me come to this country of yours! Thank you, good senior, thank you!"
The other guy looks at him puzzled and says "well, you shouldn't thank me, I'm an imigrant myself, just like you. I'm from Mongolia."
The Mexican walks up to this next chap and thanks him with the same enthusiastic happiness as before..
The chap say "well, nice to hear you like it, but you see, I'm from Uganda. I'm an imigrant too."
The Mexican shakes his head, but walks up to this next fellow and with the same level of gratitude, he thanks the fellow like it was his life saver.
The fellow looks at him and says "lay off, man. Glad you like it here but why thank me? I'm not American, I'm from Puerto Rico."
The Mexican then cries out "all you guys are imigrants like me? Where are the Americans? I can't seem to find any?"
The latino shrugs and says "dunno, perhaps they're at work"
A Mexican came to the US and was so happy about it he decided to give the first guy he met a huge "thank you!".
He walks up to this one guy and says "thank you, for letting me come to this country of yours! Thank you, good senior, thank you!"
The other guy looks at him puzzled and says "well, you shouldn't thank me, I'm an imigrant myself, just like you. I'm from Mongolia."
The Mexican walks up to this next chap and thanks him with the same enthusiastic happiness as before..
The chap say "well, nice to hear you like it, but you see, I'm from Uganda. I'm an imigrant too."
The Mexican shakes his head, but walks up to this next fellow and with the same level of gratitude, he thanks the fellow like it was his life saver.
The fellow looks at him and says "lay off, man. Glad you like it here but why thank me? I'm not American, I'm from Puerto Rico."
The Mexican then cries out "all you guys are imigrants like me? Where are the Americans? I can't seem to find any?"
The latino shrugs and says "dunno, perhaps they're at work"
I met a goldfish who remembered meeting me before, but I had forgotten about that.
#7
Posted 19 July 2009 - 01:01 AM
Pretty good Midget & Frodo.
The good old stand-by... A blond joke.
A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"
The good old stand-by... A blond joke.
A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"
#8
Posted 14 August 2009 - 10:15 PM
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
*awkward silence in regards to possible racism*
A pilot, you racist!
*awkward silence in regards to possible racism*
A pilot, you racist!
#9
Posted 21 August 2009 - 06:08 PM
Norvegian Virus Joke
Received in a recent e-mail:
VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr Virus
Ve haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.
Tank you for your cooperation,
Sven and Ole
Received in a recent e-mail:
VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr Virus
Ve haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.
Tank you for your cooperation,
Sven and Ole
#10
Posted 21 August 2009 - 08:24 PM
Nick, on Aug 21 2009, 03:08 PM, said:
Norvegian Virus Joke
Received in a recent e-mail:
VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr Virus
Ve haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.
Tank you for your cooperation,
Sven and Ole
Received in a recent e-mail:
VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr Virus
Ve haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.
Tank you for your cooperation,
Sven and Ole
I have seen this old joke told a million times, each time laughing at a different nationality
Your leg falls off, revealing a bloody stump. You are losing a large amount of blood. You must find a way to escape....
> Drink blood
> Drink blood